I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
