I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
