Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
