I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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