Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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