legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
