We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
