If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
