do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
