Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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