he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
