You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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