sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
