Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
