Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
