I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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