My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
