Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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