Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Randomize
