The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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