So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
