dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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