Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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