and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
