Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
