Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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