I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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