I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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