i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
