First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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