You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
