i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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