david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
