the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
