just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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