well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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