So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
