I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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