If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
