Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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