i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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