i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
