so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My dad is sitting where you rode me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
