we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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