You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
