so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
