Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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