If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
