god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
