ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
