and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
