She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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